So, today’s episode is going to be a little bit different, and I think there’s a good reason for it. Last week, in episode 14, I told you about Equivocation and at the end I talked about how understanding equivocation can help you have better conversations…and I just kind of left it at that.
As I got to thinking more about it, I realized I kind of left you hanging. It’s super easy to say, “have better conversations” but the reality is, having good conversations isn’t easy! It doesn’t necessarily come naturally to most of us, and it’s another one of those things that typically isn’t modeled or taught in school…but it’s really important! That just means we need to learn the skill somewhere else. And whose responsibility is it to learn the skills we need for life & good relationships? Ours! It’s our own responsibility, so I’m going to dive into that today.
Here’s the thing…my original plan for this podcast was for season 1 to be all about Logical Fallacies, and Season 2 will be all about Cognitive Biases, and starting in Season 3, I’ll be discussing how to think well, and Season 4 how to have conversations well. But that means you’d have to wait probably over a year to hear about having a good conversation, and I just felt like I was leaving you hanging.
So, you won’t be learning a new fallacy today…I’ll get back to that in tomorrow’s episode. Today, I’m going to talk about having a conversation….a GOOD conversation.
Now, you might be thinking, that’s dumb. I have conversations with people all the time…what could there possibly be to learn about how to do it? And that’s a fair question. ‘Cuz you’re right. We have conversations all the time, so what could I possibly have to teach you?
Well, when it comes to conversations, there are actually a lot of nuances involved. There are social skills, and there are nuances of how the conversation changes when you’re talking to your best friend versus your distant relatives versus someone you just met versus someone who makes you nervous…and then there’s conversations with someone you agree with on a topic versus someone you disagree with, etc, etc. There’s a TON of different conversational possibilities! And there’s no way I can talk about all of them, so for today, I’m going to pick up where I left you hanging in episode 14 and take it from there.
So in episode 14, I talked about how the definition of racism is changing, and I said that understanding this will help you have better conversations. Today, I want to give you 5 things to actually help you have better conversations…especially if you find yourself having a conversation that could get heated, or where you & the other person may not see things eye-to-eye. Ready? Let’s go.
1. Essential number one is something I learned from my father-in-law, and it’s a mindset that will help you going into any conversation. And it’s this: Seek first to understand, then to be understood. Seek first to understand, then to be understood. Most of us want to be heard, to feel understood. So we usually end up repeating our ideas or positions over & over, louder & louder. We want to be understood first and more than we want to understand… b/c it feels good to be understood! But this creates a sea of people who are more interested in talking than in listening. It’s been said that listening feels a lot like love. And when someone feels heard & understood, brings down their walls and defenses, and will hopefully make them more open to then understanding where you’re coming from.
2. Essential Number 2 is one that I just learned recently from my friend Andy Truitt, and when I heard it, it challenged me! He said in order to have a good conversation, you must be willing to be persuaded…not just trying to persuade the other person. Whoa. Insert Mind-blown emoji. Let me say it again…In order to have a good conversation, you must be willing to BE persuaded, not just trying to persuade the other person. If you’re like me, you’re thinking…WHAT?!? There are certain things that I believe to be true that I’m not sure I WANT to be persuaded out of believing. It would be very hard for me to go into a conversation with someone about these things and be completely open to being persuaded by them. My tendency is to want to be the person doing the persuading…just being honest here. But he challenged me on that and said that if I’m not open to being persuaded, is it really a conversation? Or is it just me trying to convince? Now, stay with me here. The reason this one was so hard to wrap my brain around was b/c I didn’t understand Number 3. And the reason you can be willing to be persuaded is b/c of Essential Number 3.
Number 3: The goal of the conversation should be to seek truth…not to prove ‘rightness’, or to convince or ‘win’. The goal of the conversation should be to seek truth. So when you hit a point of contention or disagreement in the argument, you choose to press in with the goal of pressing toward truth. Not opinion, not to prove ‘your side’, but to find truth. Think about it, if the things you believe are really true, you shouldn’t be afraid of looking at them through the lens of trying to find truth. If they’re true, you’ll just wind up at the same conclusion again! But if they’re not true, don’t you want to know that?? Seeking to find truth in a conversation will then help you demonstrate
Essential Number 4, which is: Respect & love for your neighbor (neighbor being the person you’re in conversation with). Yes, you need to bring a certain amount of love & respect for the other person if you’re going to have a GOOD conversation with them. You may disagree with them, but you can still have respect for them as a fellow human being, created by God, just like you are. Without love & respect, you can have a great yelling match, but we’re talking about having a GOOD conversation here. And listening well is a way to show love & respect to our neighbor.
And one thing that will help you listen well is Essential Number 5: Beware of your own triggers: emotionalism & defensiveness. If you find yourself getting hijacked by emotionalism or if you find yourself getting defensive b/c they don’t agree with you, it’ll be pretty near impossible to do any of the other 4 things that it takes to have a good conversation.
You don’t have to look very far to see the results of conversations where people got defensive or emotionally triggered. It’s not pretty & usually nothing gets accomplished except the two people get even further entrenched in their dislike for the other person.
We can do better. We need to do better. We can learn to communicate in a way that’s truthful, winsome & persuasive, and hopefully this podcast is a step in helping you do that.
So, just to wrap up, the 5 Essentials to GOOD communication are:
1. Seek first to understand, then to be understood. 2. Be willing to be persuaded. 3. The goal is to seek truth. 4. Respect & love for the other person. 5. Beware of your own emotional triggers.
Does that help? I sure hope so. Let me know if that was helpful.
And join me tomorrow when we’ll get back to the fallacies and I’ll be talking about the Tu Quoque Fallacy!
Remember: When you learn HOW to think, you will no longer fall prey to those who are trying to tell you what THEY want you to think and it all starts with asking one simple question: “Is that really true?”